Hello, Moto: Rihanna, bums, and the Want List
Say hello to Moto. We’ve known each other since we were in the sixth grade. Our first meeting (a forced exchange of phone numbers initiated by our Honors Core teacher—“Just in case you’re ever sick or need help…”) went something like this:
ME: So.
MOTO: So.
ME: Here’s my number.
MOTO: And here’s mine.
Five minutes later…
MOTO: I really hate it when people are all, “You look like an ESKIMO.”
ME: I hate it when people tell me I’m cold.
MOTO: Ice Queen.
ME: Igloo-dweller.
Nowadays we’ve toned down the verbal abuse a bit. It’s been ten years, after all. Instead we sit on the Internet for hours at a time (it’s a rare event when we are both online and free), throwing videos and shopping links at each other:
ME: Did you watch the Rihanna video I sent you?
MOTO: Watching it. Oh my God, I want her body. Not sexually, but I want to steal her body and put my head on top of it.
ME: She does have nice legs…here, watch this.
MOTO: Oooh Tegan and Sara. Oh, my God.
ME: Did you get to the part where she says, “Most women look at magazines and feel bad about themselves. Sara looks at magazines and thinks—‘I can get with her’”?
MOTO: Not yet. Oh, God. The GQ Rihanna spread? I want her ass. I want Lady Gaga’s ass, too. Well, at least you and Sara have good taste in girls. Alicia Keys is hot, too.
ME: Did you see the video for “Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart”? Here, I’ll find it for you.
MOTO: Where’s the video?
ME: Just…just let me finish watching the Rihanna video for “Hard” first.
Some time passes…
ME: Ok, here’s the Alicia Keys.
MOTO: My God. Her hips.
And so we come to a very important—and perhaps the most entertaining—part of being a girl. Yes, you know what I’m talking about: looking up pictures of people you like and playing, “The Want List.”
A Want List is a highly individual thing. Basically it’s a list of things that you would like to have, and who you would have to steal these things from and (if you are especially desperate or paranoid) roll into a ditch after you had the wants safely in possession.
MOTO’S WANT LIST:
- Lady Gaga’s ass
- Rihanna’s body
- Beyonce’s waist (or just her dancing ability)
- Gabrielle Union’s face
- Tegan & Sara’s comic timing
- Megan Fox’s eyes
- Amber Rose’s badass confidence
- Shakira’s hip-shaking superpowers
- Johnny Depp’s transformative (acting) powers
- Justine Henin’s backhand
- Jennifer Aniston’s hair
- Miranda Kerr’s boobs
- Joe Hisaishi’s compositional genius
- Antoine Dufour + Kaki King’s guitar genius skills
- Alicia Keys’ body (ONLY if Rihanna’s is unavailable.)
NIKKI’S WANT LIST:
1) Cate Blanchett’s skin/cheekbones (Honestly, what is this woman using on herself?!)
2) John Irving, Haruki Murakami & Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.’s talent
3) Audrey Tautou’s oh-so-chic style sense
4) Katharine Hepburn’s brashness
5) James Dean’s cool
6) Marlon Brando’s lady-killing powers (not literally, because then I’d have a lot of mess to clean up.)
7) Keira Knightley’s neck
8) Dr. Temperance Brennan’s (from the TV series Bones) PhD, brilliance, or both.
9) Morena Baccarin’s hair (I did get mine cut like hers today but it’ll have to grow a bit before I’ll have the curl she’s got goin’ on.)
10) Annie Lennox’s three-piece suits.
11) Lucas Silveira’s vocal talent
12) Sheetal Sheth’s eyes
13) Tallulah Bankhead’s charm
14) Audrey Hepburn’s jawline
15) Douglas Adams’ wit
I actually had some trouble getting my Want List as long as Moto’s.
ME: I can’t think of anything else.
MOTO: Personality traits?
ME: Oh, God. I just remembered. There’s this Indian movie with this girl who has the most gorgeous eyes. I can’t remember her name. Oh, what was her name?
MOTO: I’ll wait.
ME: Here, just watch this clip. It’s a movie called I Can’t Think Straight. The girl I’m talking about is the one with the longer hair.
MOTO: She does have nice eyes. And the other one is so cutesy, I love it.
ME: SHEETAL SHETH. That’s her name. She and the other girl did another movie called The World Unseen, which…well, here’s a video.
MOTO: The World Unseen looks really interesting, actually.
ME: …Double feature day? Yes? Yes?
MOTO: OK, OK. Double feature day. Oh, man. I love how happy they look here.
ME: Like, we’re in a car, we’re makin’ out, nyah nyah nyah sort of? Like they have everything they want, yeah?
MOTO: Exactly.
And that is what a Want List is. It’s the world unseen made seen—sort of a private idealization of ourselves—ourselves in fantasy-land. I don’t purport to know what goes on in Moto’s head when she watches Lady Gaga drop her polar bear coat in the “Bad Romance” video. Jealousy? Maybe. A quick analysis of the brilliance of the lighting? Maybe. I’m not sure that she would want very many of the things on my list—and I know that I’m not all that interested in the things on hers. (I already have #5. Ask anybody, they’ll tell you.)
However, I’m perfectly cognizant of what goes on in my brain when I think about Lady Gaga dropping her polar bear coat: a mix of revulsion, admiration and suspicion that she’s been photo-edited start rolling around in there. I am also prone to wondering if the thong she’s wearing is uncomfortable, and thinking about how much I love the fact that she looks like Hedwig from Hedwig and the Angry Inch in that video.
Moto is cognizant of what goes on my brain when I think about items on my list. Mostly because I talk about them—in great, almost gratuitous, detail. It’s like an information porno—or informational vomit, or informational vomit-porn. (Oh, oh, I just disgusted myself. Help.)
MOTO: Marlon Brando? Did you see that Heart of Darkness type movie he did? Not pretty.
ME: That’s because whatever movie you’re talking about was probably made after 1935. OK, Marlon Brando started raiding fridges around then. His wife had to padlock the fridge. But he was smokin’ in Streetcar Named Desire.
MOTO: Yeah, he was.
ME: But he was still brilliant, even after he succumbed to the fridge.
I suppose that’s what Want Lists are for—sort of. To keep you from succumbing to the fridge of darkness (that sounds horribly stupid, but I’m going to keep it in). Part of me thinks they are inherently unhealthy because of the impossibility of some of the list items, but I also think that that same impossibility has the potential to be beneficial. Want Lists, when done properly (read: with lots of humor, and with lots of revision over time), prod you away from settling. Keep you on your toes. Keep you changing, evolving, streamlining. Increase your efficiency here, learn that you really aren’t suited to X, or realize that you’d like to try Y.
If you remember Moto’s list, you’re probably asking yourself if I’m on crack. “How,” you might ask yourself, “how does wanting Lady Gaga’s ass and Megan Fox’s eyes and Miranda Kerr’s breasts benefit Moto?”
Since Moto is straight, I can’t answer that with the stolen witticism, “She looks at them and thinks, ‘Yeah. I can get with her.’”
But I can tell you that Moto knows more about fashion and makeup architectural manipulation than almost anyone I know. If she wants Lady Gaga’s ass, she’ll have Lady Gaga’s ass.
Watch your back, Lady Gaga. Watch it well.
Hahahah! I think I love you
of course you already knew that. But, man oh man.. the conversations when we first met! You forgot to write about the awkward bathroom line conversation..
I kept snickering the whole time I read this.. and the boyfriend kept looking over.. only to see text. And gave me a confused look, then went back to his video editing.